2019

GABE (9:19)

Mixed media (September 2019)

Expectations.

In this sixth model-specific series, the model chose me. Tall. Handsome. Smart. He’d seen my work at the gallery and wanted to pose.

”What do you need?” he asked.

“Just be yourself?”

It took time to get Gabe to realize that there wasn’t a right way — that he was fine — there wasn’t a prescribed way to do this. It was just about what happened at this moment — present, present, present. Gabe was trying to think his way through the experience when all I needed was for him to be comfortable and let me sketch — that I just wanted him to be himself.

Gabe started talking, telling stories that were very personal and exposed. I appreciated how open he was about his life and experiences. He talked about relationships, family, exercise, eating, religion, work. He seemed very aware of all the choices he’d made, the reasoning behind them, and what results he expected. He sounded and looked like he had succeeded in his efforts.

But he was stiff, uncomfortable, awkward, unsure of himself in space — a separation between his thinking and his being. I found that fascinating. He is a man on a journey with a plan, but still relying on some external force to validate the choices he’s made. Objectively everything about him looked great. Yet something about him seemed closed off or separated — mismatched.

I got very satisfying sketches from him. He’s physically well defined and easy to render. After he left I spent time working on filling in the sketches with pastels. I thought the foundation of the painting needed to be substantial — solid. Gabe wasn’t airy and light. He was firm.

I had already developed some of my own expectations about what these six pieces “should” look like. He’s chosen me so I wanted them to be “nice.” Gabe is a swimmer so blue colors and a body in motion kept coming to the front of my mind. I wanted to get the “right” feel to the figure before I started abstracting.

I got stuck in exactly the place Gabe had left me — thinking. The mind is a very powerful part of our being. Planning, judging, understanding the reason why — it is so seductive and such a trap. I’d spent much of my time trying not to objectify my models visually, but there are other ways to objectify. I was caught up in the “story of Gabe” and not having the conversation with the canvas. I had set expectations and so I was trying to get to the end before I had gone through the process.

The distance I was going to have to cover to fill in the space between was going to be greater than I could have imagined. Letting go of all those carefully rendered drawings was a hard place to start. Choosing colors other than blue was a struggle. Where was the resistance coming from? From the person who had volunteered to sit for me? Or from the distance I was creating by trying to tell the right story?

This series, more than the others, appears to me to talk about separation. Gabe got into my head and it was very hard to get him on to the canvas instead.

ISAIAH: PART 2 (7:19)

Mixed media (July 2019)

Going further — the figure steps forward and has something to say.

In this fifth model-specific series, I took the opportunity to revisit another set of drawings I did with Isaiah (a model from an earlier series) and see if there was more to “see” with him as inspiration. As with the first Isaiah series there appeared to be a narrative slant to these. Each piece immediately had two figures even though the underdrawings were of a single figure.

Interaction. Dependency. Connection. Relationship. And a hint of religious iconography — both with the placement of some of the emerging figures and the “stain glass” qualities of line and color.

Seeing this so early in the process surprised me and I worked hard to resist what was emerging. A lot of white paint made its way onto the paper in order to “erase” what I thought I shouldn’t see.

But sometimes what I see is what it is. It didn’t let go or, if it did, other intertwining figures appeared. A painting wants to be what it is. The relationships are set. The story is told. Rather than submerging and emerging I finally gave in to letting these be what they said they wanted to be. Instead of letting go being the primary action I chose to let them be.

It seems like a subtle difference, but it is a very big thing (for me).

JASON 3:19

Mixed media (March 2019)

Constrained activity.

In this fourth model-specific series, everything quickly became complicated. Thought and order went away like a passing cloud. Instinct and response seemed to be all I had left.

Jason was a stranger with charm. I wanted to get back to my “alphabet” (the standard approach I thought I was purposely developing). Intention is important. But sometimes you have to let go of intention and spend time in the present and see what is, not what you want to see.

Jason initially struck me as someone easy going, comfortable in his approach to life, and working hard to project a positive vibe. But in the brief time of our drawing session Jason showed a side that was unsure, squirmy, and a little lost. I listened to him talk about his life. He kept stressing how important to was to keep to a schedule. But that wasn’t at all what I felt about him and his personality. He felt like a balloon full of emotion and dreams yearning to be untethered. The need for some external control — an anchor — made sense rationally but some truth was missing.

As the drawing continued, the space between filled up with conflicting perceptions and wants. I was trying to force this inspiration (this model) into an “alphabet” of technical steps which mirrored him trying to force himself into a calendar.

Constrained activity was what I was perceiving. Once I started to paint that everything else made sense. Struggling to define your place in life, or art, is never a sure, or secure, thing.